Middle school nose

Hi Again-

Yep, I know it's been a long time.

A long time.

I know.

I also know that I'm committing one of the all-time worst blogger behaviors: inconsistency!

So, I know this, and am sorry, and don't worry...I've already raked myself over the coals so you don't have to. :)

So, there is a lot going on lately, and this blog is sort of in a state of transistion, as I try to figure out the best timing for posts, and where ultimately this blog will live.

It's kinda like middle school, a state of uncomfortable (but sort of exciting, sort of) growing, where it's a bit wierd, akward and sometimes strange, your nose growing faster than the rest of your face.
A state of perpetual transistion and uncomfortableness , but hopefully this blog thing won't take 3-5 years to figure out, and won't be so dang uncomfortable. Oh, middle school. How I am so glad I am an adult now.

Anyways, I'm hoping to have the whole blog thing figured out by January, so stay tuned.

If only my middle school wierdness was only that short. Sigh.

All this to say this: stay tuned...More exciting things to come!

In the meantime, if you need some great reading-check out the lovely people on my blogroll-
I'm sure they have some fascinating things to say. :)

See you on the flip side-
Liz

In the meantimes

So, life has been great lately, lots to look forward to, lots fun stuff to do on the weekend, and oh yeah-it finally feels like fall here, which is amazing in it's own right.

So, of course, I have been thinking about lots of random things lately, from what it would feel like to be a bird (can you imagine the views?) to what is going to happen in the future, lots of daydreaming involved.

And all of this thinking has made me a little (but just a pinch, really) crazy.

Crazy. I keep wanting to know what's going to happen in the future, how it's all going to turn out, but then again I am so deliciously surprised when life hands me something I could have never dreamed of or even prayed for.

However, more often times than not, I am worried, concerned, and anxious, and wondering about what happens in the meantime.

So what do you do in the meantime? In the meantimes, the times between the spaces, between the past and future, between the prayers and the waiting?

I tend to fret, knowing full well that I am not God, yet at the same time still wringing my hands over the simplest things. I tend to trust Him most days, while praying desperately for answers. And then there are some days I wonder if He still has it under control, if he really knows what I want.

Ha-ha-ha! Like the Master of the Universe isn't in control, doesn't know what's happening next.

Oy. Just call me Liz of Little Faith.

A couple of weeks ago is a good example of this waiting in-between-the-spaces time.
My husband had to pick me up from the train station a couple of weeks ago, due to one of the cars being in the shop, so guess what I had to do?

What I don't do so well: wait.

So, he was running late and I had forgotten my cell, so I was stuck, waiting, with no communication as to how long I needed to wait. In fact, I didn't even know he was running late.

So I sort of yelled at God in my head.

I was frustrated, angry and anxious; I was on my way to a writing group that I desperately wanted to attend, yet I was convinced that I would miss it, AND, I was also convinced that God didn't want me to miss this event.

I sat there steaming for a couple of minutes, trying to calm down.

So, a deep breath later, a moment to realize that I am not in control guess what happened?

That's right, Mr. Husband shows up and all ends well.

Now, if I could only learn this lesson for certain, instead of learning it over and over again...

Lessons in rain

We keep thinking that, because of the symbolic rains and deep storms in our lives it has made us bitter, angry, upset about life. And we somehow think that is ok.

Yet, flowers and plants (and entire forests) have experienced deep rains and storms, and what have they done with it?

They use it to grow. To start new life. To flourish. To begin again; to let the rain and storms pass over them and be rejuvenated.

Hmm.

And what do we, humans, who are pretty much proven to more complex than a simple houseplant, do?

We let the rain and storms make us bitter, angry, powerless, depressed, and hopeless.

Hmm.

May be time to rethink the definition of rain.

Life House

Despite the recent trend in my circle of friends to abandon their ‘starter’ houses in favor of more room and amenities in larger houses, my husband and I made a decision, not too long ago, that we are staying in this house.

Forever.

Not for just 5 years, not until we have a second child, not until the house becomes a little cramped for all of us, but forever.

Forever.

Wasn’t sure if you heard me.

Because, in our opinion, as much as we’d love to have a house that doesn’t creak or crack or make random, funny sounds in the night, we’re committed to this house.

And this house and its little quirks, is not unlike our marriage, being committed to the spouse, despite the creaks, cracks, crankiness and, ahem, random, funny sounds in the night.

I F-ING hate sympathy cards

Yep, that's right, you heard me.

I F-ING HATE sympathy cards.

I hate what they stand for, I hate that they have to exist, and I hate the big, over feminine cursive and intimate poems with soft words written by someone who has no idea who you are.

Have you heard anyone ever say, 'You know what healed my grief? The pretty cursive, the picture of a sunset, and that poem that took up two of the three tri-folds of the card, well, that did for me.'

No. No one has ever been healed by obnoxious cursive.

I know, I know, it's the thought that counts. It's the words inside from your friends and family that count. But on that note, if it's really the thought that counts, then someone could just give you their thoughts in a paper bag, no?

Anyways, I don't usually have such passionate 'hates' in life. I hate being in tight jeans on a hot day, I hate being separated from my daughter most days (toddler hood has a way of easing this opinion for me :), and I hate to see people (especially the little ones) being abused, neglected or mistreated.

But, that's about it for hate.

I don't like to hate, I don't think many things are worthy of being 'hated'. There are a couple thousand for me that are worth being disliked, but very few are worth being hated.

However, with the amount of sympathy cards I've had to send out lately, I have to say I absolutely hate it.

I hate that one of my friends has to go through this sort of unbearable pain alone, that they have to re-navigate their lives again without their dad, mom, child...I just hate it.

I hate the thought of them feeling so alone, I hate the thought of them feeling that depressed sort of feeling-where they don't know what they are feeling, they just know that it is barely keeping them from sinking to the bottom of the ocean most days.

And I hate that I have to send out sympathy cards to them; I know that to everything there is a beginning and an end, but in my ideal world, no one would die.

No one would have to go through this grief that hangs around for sometimes years, and makes children that lose their parents instantly wiser and mature, having to now be the one that carries the weight of the previous generations.

I was really hoping to wrap this up on a happier note, but sometimes this is life.
Sometimes, things just suck and we have to learn how to maneuver through them.

Be Me

So, it's been a while.
Sigh. No explanations here except, well, life and vacations and what not.

Life. Man does it get in the way of writing.

So, we just came back from what I'm hilariously calling The Great Grandmother Tour...because, well, it was pointless for me & Mr. Husband to be there (beyond chaperoning, of course) because it wasn't about us. At all. It was about the child.
We, we are merely bodyguards who have to accompany the child everywhere.
Hilarious, in my opinion.

So, writing? Not so much.
Living? A whole bunch of it, but my living is further enriched when I'm able to get some writing in. And lately-there has been none of the latter, but tons of the former...as you could tell by this blog.

So, onto another mid-year resolution that I can hopefully get accomplished by 2012.

Now to abrupty change gears (the sign of excellent writing, FYI), the one thing I have been sort of thinking about on our trip, and just lately in general, is being me.

And how incredibly hard that is.

During our visits, I was in awe of how unlike my family I am; and how just wonderful and perfect some of them are...perfectly turned out houses, kept up houses, sparkling clean; compassionate and kind people; organized, funny...the list goes on and on.

Though I do have to say that the 'organized and well kept house' is the one that I am fluxomed by; I am so jealous of people that can do that.

Me? Not so much. Don't know if it's just not one of my gifts, or if I haven't practiced enough, but I know at this stage in my life, this area still needs ALOT of help.

So, of course, when I am with these sort of people in these sort of houses, I am immediately off put and relaxed (how lovely! why isn't my house like this?) and then in that weird, middle-schooly emotional place where I wonder about my worth and am instantly worried that I, like Linus, am leaving a trail of dust and dirt behind me wherever I go.

Some days it feels like I got the wrong chip inserted- I received 'verbal diraherra' instead of 'knows how to keep house' and I'm just wondering around, muttering to myself, trying to figure out how to work a broom.

So, jealously. It strikes so suddenly, and lately, it seems often.

And that's when I have to tell myself (612 times a day, if necessary), 'be me'.

I can't be anyone else but me.
I'd love to be cooler (and thinner! And wittier! And also, would like to host dinner parties with ease), but I'm not. I'm just me.

And all I can be, is the best me.

And that's ok.

Even if it takes me 613 times to remember this.

Loving nerd

So, this past week has been interesting...

Weds. my daughter hit another developmental milestone-biting. Yay!
Where are the parties, t-shirts and scrapbook entries for this?

And Thursday...I took a half day to go to the...dentist.
Yep, living the dream.

So, my daughter's development is quite normal, I'm assured by her caregiver and other parents, and yet it all feels very surreal, as if you were just told that cannibalism is very normal.

So, what do I do?

My loving-nerd, researching self looks up all sorts of solutions for biting, why they bite, what happens if they continue to bite, etc...and I, of course, go all gang-busters on it; freezing all of the washcloths in the house for her to chew on, buying new teething toys, looking for signs of anything else going on underneath that clearly animalistic exterior of hers.

And I hope she sees this one day; this loving-nerd self of mine, always wanting to help her, teach her, help her emotionally maneuver through whatever 'it' may be, as opposed to being owned by it.

And I also hope she sees this loving-nerd self instead of just the 'nerd' part, which, undoubtedly, will be the only part she sees as a teenager.

Oh, the life of a mom :)

I only wish it was all about ME

Well, if there is anything I’ve relearned (again) in this past month, it’s that’s it’s not all about me.

BIG sigh.

How many times am I going to get to learn this lesson?

I’ve had a break from writing for my church’s blog for a while, and while this has ended up being a very good thing, I, at first thought it wasn’t going to be good for me.

Ahem, good for me. No, wasn't concerned about you, not for the reading audience, but for me.

Hear that annoying whine in the background? Yeah, it’s me.

So the mini sabbatical- ain’t a bad thing. I have needed a break, a moment to step back and re-assess if this writing thing is helping me or hurting me.

At the moment, it’s really neither, and I while I think others are interested in my writing, it certainly does not warrant the big fat attitude and big fat head that I’ve developed in the meantime.

It’s a good thing, really, when the hard stuff happens to us, when things go awry, when the wheels fall off, when things go as predictable as a cat…when the claws come out after the purring.

So the bad stuff…the bad stuff, the annoying stuff, the irritating stuff is actually for good because it allows a sense of grace, of peace, after, of course, after you’ve allowed all the cussing and heartache and bitterness to pass through.

There hasn’t been one time that I’ve regretted how life has turned out; but was there obstacles, speed bumps and sharp learning curves (and lots of choice words) along the way?

Absolutely.

But have I learned more about myself, my life and my (ahem) lack of patience during the annoying, why-won’t-anything-go-my-way times?

Absolutely.

And thanks to those frustrating times, I am on my way to becoming the person I have always wanted to be; I am being molded, from lump of soggy, wet, mushy clay, to something pretty, something useful, something gracious along the way.

All that to say this-I am so happy because what I realized during the break was this: my writing had become more about what comments or trackbacks I was getting as opposed to something true, from the heart, something deep, real and touching; which is really what my writing should have been centered around to begin with.

And I finally realize this. And I (finally) realize what is truly important.

As I thought I’ve learned so many times before, it’s not about me.
Oh Lord, it’s not about me.

the realistic me

So, lately I've been in a spring-feverish, dreamy sort of mood, and so those days usually end up with some sort of daydream where the world is perfect and wonderful and there are no tantrums or grumpy people to deal with.

However, then the dog barks and the husband talks about not having enough black socks, I am sharply reminded that I live in reality, and sigh, better get back to work.

So, since my reality is the black sock shortage and the pile of laundry that propagates faster than bunnies, I thought you should also know a thing or two, real things about me that help me to be this transparent, authentic person that I am trying to be, even though the word 'transparent' makes me want to hide under the covers...

So, here goes, the real me notes:

-I often chose cheetos and cupcakes more often than chiquatas.
I tell myself that the bananas are better; however, there is a lot of arguments between my monkey mind and rational mind as to which one is the tastier choice.

-I live in the suburbs, but don't drive a van....yet. It's inevitable at this point;
my husband is renovating a Wagoneer for me, but he says he will be through when all the house stuff calms down. BIG sigh. The house stuff hasn't calmed down since we moved in (can you say 'Money Pit'?) so, like I said, the van is inevitable.

-I feel like I should be lauded for every kind thought, deed and action I have;
I feel like I should make a Facebook post for each time I take a caring action or have a compassion thought.
Look at my Facebook page as an example of my incredible, immense restraint.

-I have a hard time making decisions. Especially when there are more than 3 choices.
Ask my husband about the time I cried over which fork to chose when we were registering
for our place settings.

-I love my friends and family down to the very bone marrow of who they are.
Even the annoying ones.

-Though I'm not God and would never want to be, I for some reason think that the world revolves around me, and that somehow, by worrying about things, I am being caring, that somehow by thinking about the outcome I can control the outcome.
How very much I still have to learn.

-My hope is that people think I'm fascinating, insightful and a lot more interesting than I actually am. My reality is that I am probably fascinating, insightful and interesting to just myself.

-I wish every accomplishment was announced old-school, over a PA system at work.
Even if it's just to say that I got in on time even though I dealt with a cranky child the entire night.

-Even though I half heartily jog at the moment, I think I am a world class runner, preparing for the Olympics, though the last time I ran a marathon was, oh, about 15 years ago.

-I like libraries. I think we should save them.

-I hope there is a heaven for the road-killed animals.

-People who talk a lot wear me out.

-Even thought I keep trying, I have realized that our family is not an asparagus family.
Green beans, carrots, yes, but asparagus? NO.

-I think the most difficult things in life are consistency and compassion.

Grace, for reals

A couple of days ago, I wrote an entry called 'Grace'.

I've removed it, because the words I wrote had little to do with grace (or mercy, or humbleness, for that matter) and reflected little about grace and revealed much about my current path and state of ego.

In this post, in case you are not one of the two followers on this blog, I wrote a very pious piece about giving cupcakes to a homeless man; a very show-offy piece about how, instead of taking these designer cupcakes home to my family, I gave these to a homeless man on the street, who was digging through trash to find something to eat.

In that post, I also mentioned how I thought a certain friend of mine, whom I'll call M, would have ripped me a new one for doing so, since she (probably, I guessed) thought that I deserved them, since I arranged this party at work, and how dare I give a homeless man one?

So, M and I talked. And it turns out, M also does this-gives food to the homeless, gives money to those who need it, has come across all sorts of characters in life that have presented her with this very same situation-she sees the need too, and the crazy dichotomy of living in a world with so much wealth and so much poverty.

So, in short: I was totally wrong about my opinion of M.
And totally high as a kite on myself, and my pious, saint-like opinion of myself. Big sigh.

Besides realizing that I need to take a BIG step back and reflect...I've also realized that though humble pie is not my favorite dessert, perhaps a slice or two of it every day would not hurt. Though I am so proud of this path (this worn, over grown, weedy path) I've taken to become who I am today, there are others that do the same, and do it quietly, not like the proud, showy peacock I have become as of late.

And though I think I have an idea of real grace, mercy and forgiveness, after talking with M and listening to God, turns out I am just beginning to learn.

Following God

I commute to work every day via train, and while most would probably complain about the interesting sort of challenges you experience riding public transportation (train running behind schedule, passengers with varying levels of body odor, packed seats and nowhere to stand some days), despite all that, I still enjoy it.
A lot.
There is a freedom in being untouchable, in a sense, for 30 minutes a day, twice a day, and there is a bit of therapy in being able to do what I want (which is read, write, or make up exciting stories about the passengers' lives) for 60 minutes a day.
Anyhow. All that nonsense to tell you this: I commute via train, and on the way in to work, I've seen this billboard recently:

Read the Holy Bible
Follow Jesus

And, while I praise the ad's simplicity of message; I get a mixed feeling when I see that billboard, because it is and it isn't that easy...

Christianity, in my opinion, cannot be boiled down to those two sentences, and not only that, there's more to it than that.

And yet at the same time, I disagree with myself, and think, you know, it's not that difficult; what's difficult is for us to remove all the barriers of schedules, to-do lists and other life committments, that keeps us from doing these two simple things.

So, hence the thought: it is, and isn't that easy.

I've shared my thoughts, so what are yours? I'd be interested to see :)

Dad

So, yesterday I saw my father over the lunch hour, a rare treat for me, as he is constantly busy with work, and oh yeah, lives in Austin, so we don't get to spend tons of quality time together, besides the busy, insaneness of spending holidays together, where the primary focus is trying to connect quickly, and then we are off again, leaving much too soon...

Modern life-can't beat it, right?

Anyways, so like I said: yesterday was a rare treat-a slow lunch hour with my father to discuss anything and everything.
So, being the fun nerds we are, we had a fascinating conversation about science and nature; trajectories and force. Fun, right? Wouldn't you have loved to hear that one?
Though, in my defense, I have to say that I still retain my coolness since I was not the one who read an entire book about the history of salt. I still wonder how he got through the first ten pages on that one.

But I digress...

Anyways, the point of this whole story is this...As I watched my dad step into the cab on his way out of town, I watched, waiting for him to neogitate with the cab driver and drive off.
I waited, like a parent waits for a pre-adolscent; pretty sure that the child is knowledgeable that they can take care of themselves; and yet still concerned about any vulnerability that they might portray; worried that other people and life in general would take advantage of them.

That’s how it is I guess, with aging parents; you love them, you let them go, a bit hesitantly.
You love them, you trust them, but you see them as former giants in their day; being so heroic in your youth, and now you see the age spots, the white hair, you notice you have to talk a little louder, you notice there is a humanness and a vulnerability that wasn’t there before.

All of the sudden Superman has lost his cape, and Wonder Woman has misplaced her bracelets, and you wonder whatever do you do now, knowing you have become superhero to not only your children, but your parents as well?

Family Vacation

This weekend we went away. And by away, I mean a 9 hour drive, each way, with a toddler in tow.

Oh yeah, nothing like vacation to escape real life tantrums and crying jags! :)

So, beyond that little hiccup, we had a good, albeit short, (very short) time.
We went to see my family, which, although full of love, they somehow overwhelm me each time I see them.
Perhaps it's because I seem to have been the only one from my family of beach-loving, gregarious, activity-loving beings that would rather be in the mountains, be quiet most of the time, and take it slowly. Or perhaps it's because I don't talk too much, some days I just don't know.

Anyways,you can see how this would make for an interesting family dynamic.

But, all that being said, we had a really good time. A really good time, which was lovely, and to be quite honest, suprising. I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting I would have to be on my best behavior and bite my tongue.
But none of that happened. NONE of it! And even my lovely sister, who I love more than life, but annoys me more than anyone I know, didn't annoy me...didn't even phase me.

It was nothing but love...nothing but love this weekend.

And, so, it got me to thinking...isn't it always nothing but love? All the times I've been annoyed or embarrassed or full of long, exhausted sighs about my family, isn't it still love?
Although it never quite comes in the perfectly wrapped box I would like it to be in, it is still love. It is still love when my mother asks me about 30 questions whenever I arrive in her presence, then tries to shove food in my face. It is still love when my sister (younger, mind you) still questions my life's choices, it is still love when my child lets me know exactly how she feels about riding in the car for long periods of time.

It's all love-the overbearing, the protecting, the strange, STRANGE ways our family shows that they care....this weekend I learned that, and that it's just up to me to translate properly :)

Working from home (again)

So, today was another challenging day working from home.

The work itself wasn't overly complicated and everyone was relatively easy to deal with, however, I had a little one underfoot the entire time.

They say that being a working mom is challenging. If that is not the understatement of the century, I don't know what is.

So, today was a mess of templates and temper tantrums, conference calls and crying, data and diapers. Big sigh.

The challenging thing about being a working mother is the sneaking suspicion that you are not doing well enough at work, and not doing well enough in your home life, or by your child.

Some days it feels like a constant circle of forgetting the back up clothes for daycare, when you've already dropped your child off, and then walking into work, realizing your notes are at home and the presentation starts in 20 minutes.

Some days it's small things you overlook and forget; some days it's big ones...and you get the sense that while being helpful and productive at one area, say like your home life, there is a dam that is about to burst through the sandbags at work..and vice versa. There is the constant sense that there is sand slipping beneath your feet, rolling out with the tide and you can't do anything to grasp it beneath your toes.

So, to recap: A lot of complaints here, since I have tired head and am worn out by the constant negotiating that is living with both a toddler and a lawyer, who were both at home with me while trying to work remotely.

Oh so tired...thank God for coffee, and a chance at a fresh start (and attitude!) tomorrow-

Hi Again!

So, while the house is quiet (don't jinx it, don't jinx it...) I thought I would take a moment to sign in again:

Let me re-introduce myself: Hi, I'm Liz.

I live life a bit impatiently, and am currently desperately (REAL desperate some days) trying to have patience with God, and developing faith in Him also. Even though I'm human and somedays I don't think He quite understands my timetable :).

Anyways, so that's the main idea here. This is also a personal blog, so somedays it will be insightful (hopefully) and the topic will be God or faith or forgiveness or something like that, and somedays, like real life, it will be about how much I wish laundry would disappear and somehow I would not have to worry about the constant aging of my neck, or why my husband's hobbies involve so many outdoor activities that involve so many bugs.

So, I guess, expect a surprise every time you check in :)

In the meantime, I will promise to be real (but not too real; you don't want to know when I'm writing this while wearing my rattiest pajamas, I'm sure), and in all of this being real, I will try to pretend I don't feel exposed and that my whole life and thoughts are being judged :)

Sounds like a fair trade-off, right?

Anyways-hope you enjoy. And hope you come back to read more, and also-hope you comment on the writing and topics that you love, and keep quiet about the things you don't. HaHa!

Seriously-let me know what you think. And if you have to say something negative, at least type your email in Comic Sans so my feelings can't get all that damaged-

Enjoy-
Liz

Back in the (writing) saddle again...

Hi again...Well, a little bit of life has happened since my last post,
so I'm in the process of updating my content and posts!

In the meantime, grab a moment, settle in, enjoy reading and let me know what you think...
I'll post another piece (or two, hopefully) by the beginning of Monday-

Thanks for stopping by!
Liz