I only wish it was all about ME

Well, if there is anything I’ve relearned (again) in this past month, it’s that’s it’s not all about me.

BIG sigh.

How many times am I going to get to learn this lesson?

I’ve had a break from writing for my church’s blog for a while, and while this has ended up being a very good thing, I, at first thought it wasn’t going to be good for me.

Ahem, good for me. No, wasn't concerned about you, not for the reading audience, but for me.

Hear that annoying whine in the background? Yeah, it’s me.

So the mini sabbatical- ain’t a bad thing. I have needed a break, a moment to step back and re-assess if this writing thing is helping me or hurting me.

At the moment, it’s really neither, and I while I think others are interested in my writing, it certainly does not warrant the big fat attitude and big fat head that I’ve developed in the meantime.

It’s a good thing, really, when the hard stuff happens to us, when things go awry, when the wheels fall off, when things go as predictable as a cat…when the claws come out after the purring.

So the bad stuff…the bad stuff, the annoying stuff, the irritating stuff is actually for good because it allows a sense of grace, of peace, after, of course, after you’ve allowed all the cussing and heartache and bitterness to pass through.

There hasn’t been one time that I’ve regretted how life has turned out; but was there obstacles, speed bumps and sharp learning curves (and lots of choice words) along the way?

Absolutely.

But have I learned more about myself, my life and my (ahem) lack of patience during the annoying, why-won’t-anything-go-my-way times?

Absolutely.

And thanks to those frustrating times, I am on my way to becoming the person I have always wanted to be; I am being molded, from lump of soggy, wet, mushy clay, to something pretty, something useful, something gracious along the way.

All that to say this-I am so happy because what I realized during the break was this: my writing had become more about what comments or trackbacks I was getting as opposed to something true, from the heart, something deep, real and touching; which is really what my writing should have been centered around to begin with.

And I finally realize this. And I (finally) realize what is truly important.

As I thought I’ve learned so many times before, it’s not about me.
Oh Lord, it’s not about me.

the realistic me

So, lately I've been in a spring-feverish, dreamy sort of mood, and so those days usually end up with some sort of daydream where the world is perfect and wonderful and there are no tantrums or grumpy people to deal with.

However, then the dog barks and the husband talks about not having enough black socks, I am sharply reminded that I live in reality, and sigh, better get back to work.

So, since my reality is the black sock shortage and the pile of laundry that propagates faster than bunnies, I thought you should also know a thing or two, real things about me that help me to be this transparent, authentic person that I am trying to be, even though the word 'transparent' makes me want to hide under the covers...

So, here goes, the real me notes:

-I often chose cheetos and cupcakes more often than chiquatas.
I tell myself that the bananas are better; however, there is a lot of arguments between my monkey mind and rational mind as to which one is the tastier choice.

-I live in the suburbs, but don't drive a van....yet. It's inevitable at this point;
my husband is renovating a Wagoneer for me, but he says he will be through when all the house stuff calms down. BIG sigh. The house stuff hasn't calmed down since we moved in (can you say 'Money Pit'?) so, like I said, the van is inevitable.

-I feel like I should be lauded for every kind thought, deed and action I have;
I feel like I should make a Facebook post for each time I take a caring action or have a compassion thought.
Look at my Facebook page as an example of my incredible, immense restraint.

-I have a hard time making decisions. Especially when there are more than 3 choices.
Ask my husband about the time I cried over which fork to chose when we were registering
for our place settings.

-I love my friends and family down to the very bone marrow of who they are.
Even the annoying ones.

-Though I'm not God and would never want to be, I for some reason think that the world revolves around me, and that somehow, by worrying about things, I am being caring, that somehow by thinking about the outcome I can control the outcome.
How very much I still have to learn.

-My hope is that people think I'm fascinating, insightful and a lot more interesting than I actually am. My reality is that I am probably fascinating, insightful and interesting to just myself.

-I wish every accomplishment was announced old-school, over a PA system at work.
Even if it's just to say that I got in on time even though I dealt with a cranky child the entire night.

-Even though I half heartily jog at the moment, I think I am a world class runner, preparing for the Olympics, though the last time I ran a marathon was, oh, about 15 years ago.

-I like libraries. I think we should save them.

-I hope there is a heaven for the road-killed animals.

-People who talk a lot wear me out.

-Even thought I keep trying, I have realized that our family is not an asparagus family.
Green beans, carrots, yes, but asparagus? NO.

-I think the most difficult things in life are consistency and compassion.